Warnings Signs

There were plenty of warnings signs that I should have taken notice when I was dating my potential husband. However, because of fear,naiveness, backslidden, desperate, and low self esteem, I couldn't get myself to acknowledge it and take the right actions (which was to leave his butt). Next thing you know, I was in too deep and I mean in too deep.


First of all, and most importantly as I mentioned above, I was (at the time) back slided from my relationship with God. It says in the bible to acknowledge God in all your ways and He will direct your paths....right? Well, I didn't. I didn't even ask or include God in this. I made my own judgements and decisions, big mistake. Just saying that right there, I messed up. Ok, now to the heart of the matter. First of all, he hung out with the wrong crowd. Need I say more! The people you keep around you, are a reflection of you. Let me insert this (commerical break), that 's why when or if I go on My Space and I see someone that may intrigue me, I ALWAYS check out their "friends list" to see what they are REALLY about or what they are into. Same with the locals. Get me. His friends/cousins were and some still are drug dealers. Stupid me, that was the biggest red flag ever. Just being in the drug dealer's world so much comes in that territory. The police for one, lots of house raids, fights, shooting, drugs (lol), alcohol (lots of it), strip clubs, std's, etc...why did I continue...we'll he said he loved me and I was different, blah, blah, blah. He said he didn't really want to sell drugs, but because they provided a roof over his head his cousins pretty much made him make "runs" for them. That was my boyfriend's way of paying for his stay, cuz he too was in college and broke. Another red flag was when he was thinking about becoming muslim or 5 percent....ok, this brother was lost and don't know what direction to take. Don't get me wrong, we all have our moments where we are finding ourselves....but muslim....nahhh, right there we would be unequally yoked and we would always be bumping heads on religious matters. Our belief value and customs were different....red flag again.
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Smoking weed and drinking was another red flag that I avoided. Speaking in a spiritual sense, did you know that when you open the door to sins like that, there are many demonic influences that come with it. It's almost like a snowball effect. Then later, I discovered the pornography...red flag again. He would even watch it while we were being intimate. Honestly, I felt disrespected when he did that...but I never spoke up about it. Since I mentioned that, let me say this. After he found out I was a virgin, I told him that I wasn't trying to do anything until I was married. He said ok, he'll wait. Several days later when I went to his place, he tried to get into my pants....another red flag, because he betrayed me, he lied, and disrespected me. Stupid me again went along with it because I was lonely, wanted to be wanted, and didn't know myself worth and value. Truth be told, that's when I should have left, but I felt sorry for him because of his history/childhood, and I wanted to be the "super" woman that change him from bad boy to good guy. Another red flag, he lied, not a lot, but enough, over stupid things he didn't have to lie about, or better yet didn't tell me the whole truth about a certain matter.


The crowd he hung with really played a part, but then again, that's what he was about but with me he was a sweet innocent country brother that wanted to get ahead in life. He would share his dream with me, how he would want to settle down, how he wanted to get out of the drug business, and me being included in his world, blah, blah, blah.... my naive self thought that was soooo sweet. One last thing. The brother wasn't focus. He didn't know what he wanted out of life. The funny thing is that I KNEW he wasn't the one for me. You know when you know better, but you do it anyway. Yeah, I knew....I knew, but I still continue because I was in love with him. Oh yeah, he was arrested and went to jail now that's when I really should have left. That would have been perfect, right when he was locked up, but I didn't.
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Ohhhhh nooooo, I'm pregnant, now what! Ok so now I'm in too deep. I told him and we didn't know what to do. All those years of me typing reports in high school on abortions being wrong, and now I am actually thinking about it. I was scared. Mind you, I come from a strict christian family home. If I tell my parents this, ohhhhhh lawdddddyyyy!!! Get me. Fast forward, told mom and mom told dad. My parents gave me an ultimatum. It was either get married or get married right now. I cried, because he wasn't' the one....this isn't the man God destined for me, but my parents weren't trying to hear that. Their thing was, "better to marry then burn". They didn't have a clue of what he was doing/did. So needless to say, we got married. Years later even in the marriage there were still lots of red flags, and many cases of infidelity, disrespect, verbal, emotional, and some physical abuse but I felt trapped. What could I do? Who could I tell? Where do I go? But you know, God saw it all and intervene. When God says enough is enough, then enough is enough. You know when you are fed up. I literally left everything behind me, even the house which has mucho equity. I was fed up. But you know...I have unspeakable peace, and joy in my heart. I don't worry or stress anymore over him. I'm happy again. Not saying everything is perfect because my children and I are living in one room and it's over crowded, I'm a little low on funds but hey, I'm at peace and happy. That is worth more to me.
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VERY IMPORTANT :
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I got my answer from God and God alone. Not friends, family, naysayers, t.v., pastor or preacher. I did some serious praying to God for years. Sure enough God did give me my answer AND He confirmed it many, many, many times. I see why the Lord confirmed it many times as He did, so I wouldn't waiver, doubt, or regret....asking myself did I do the right thing. Sure enough I had peace when to leave my husband. I even had help to haul all my belongs and children belongs. When God is in a thing, you have such peace you cannot describe. Trust me, I was scared to leave but you know, I couldn't take anymore abuse...I dealt with a lot over our 10 year marriage. Now I can start my life over and yes, God gave me a second chance. I am so happy, I can't explain it. For this season, I am being healed from all the abuse. God is doing a work in me....He's healing my heart, restoring me mentally, spiritually, and physically. God is building up my self esteem again, showing me my self worth and value, security, and the list goes on. It's like I'm living again and rediscoving myself. It's like rebirth of Angela.
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Life is too short to have your head down crying. I'm not crying anymore. I'm laughing with joy. I have God to give all the glory and praise because it was His grace that kept me from killing myself, His grace that helped me to to stand, and His grace to keep my sanity. My breakthrough is here and I am free from it all.