Thursday, August 14, 2008

I moved back in with my husband

I am cracking up at the picture I choose for this gist. Guys, I have to be honest when it comes to my feelings and emotions. There is no other way around it. Any event, I don't even remember the day that I decided to "go back". "Go Back" were the words spoken from people all over, but more importantly what I heard and read from the bible that I solely trust and believe in. God's words are always first, although I do slip up at times. It was hurtful. I thought I was really going to 'move forward' and start this new life of mines all over. From having my own apartment (I never did live on my own and college doesn't count), focusing on my children more, and the dating scene (which I never did when I was single) seemed pretty exciting, but more so, just living and being on my own really had me looking forward to this so called new life. Ok, this is when it hit me. First, people were really trying to encourage me to move back in. That never did stop me of what others were saying. Mind you I did pray to God for a simple answer, yes or no, go or stay. They say God has a sense of humor and I agree cuz my answer didn't come how I wanted it too. Ok, so then, more and more ppl were saying and quoting what the bible said about the whole scenario. But people, I wasn't trying to hear that!! I'm doing my own thing and moving forward, and will remarry someone who is really going to take care of me and love me......then more and more, and more ppl, places, media, radio, dreams, other ppl husbands etc...were saying what the bible said.....and basically, in a nut shell, 'go back'. Bloggers, I struggled and struggled with this answer. All I kept thinking was, "No! I'm moving forward!" I was too bitter at God to pray and fast to get clarity for myself on the situation. So I continued to harden my heart at the answer that God was sending me through ppl, bible, etc...All I kept thinking was, "there is no way I am moving back in with my husband. I married very young, and I need to be away from all of this. I had to mature fast and I personally don't think I enjoyed my youth like I should have. It's funny how we humans are never satisfied. When you are single, you want to be married, when you are married you want to be single.

Anyhow, what really did push me back to my husband....drum roll please.....bloggers it was the comfort....yes I admit it. Remember I was living with my parents and my children and I were living/rooming in this very small bedroom. It was terrible, but we managed. We were sleeping on the floor for a year til I brought 2 sets of bunk beds. We had one small closet and one dresser to work with. All of my clothes couldn't barely fit in the closet mind you I had to share it with my three children. Something was always getting broke or lost. My nephews would go in our room when I was at work and play around. One day I came home to my little room just to see my tampons and pantie liners all unwrapped over the floor. Bloggers, I was tired....I applied for sect.8, and other low income apts. because I couldn't afford $700 plus rent. Mind you they had a waiting list as long as the Mississippi River. Plenty of nights I was thinking, "why am I living like this when I have a beautiful 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom, fully finished and furnished basement, free Internet I don't have to compete with the phone, pc, or bathroom, and I can walk around the house naked. Then I would look at the low income areas and truthfully, I don't want my children living there, I understand you got to do what you got to do, but why would I go from the palace to the pit, get me? Time passing and people, my husband did change over the time we were separated. That was my second reason why I went back (it should be the first reason). ALL those years of praying and confessing over him to be saved, etc... were answered. I have to say he did transform into a new godly man. Serious about church, God, his marriage, future, reading the bible, his music changed, heck, he's telling me about certain christian artist that I never heard about and the whole nine. People were even telling me that they see us back together, and that I need to give him another chance etc....and I'm thinking (in a sarcastic tone) yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever....

So now what?! Do I really have to move back? Do I really have a choice? How can God give you the answer when your heart isn't ready to receive it? So I had to REPENT, and I'm confessing to all my readers....another drum roll please...thank you...I was hoping during the course of the separation that my husband would have filed a divorce so I could be Scott free of having that on my hands/conscience. I just knew his butt was going to get weary and give up and call me saying, "look hon, this isn't going anywhere, so I think it would be best if we just get a divorce." HAHAA the joke is on me. God had other plans and it wasn't divorce. So now the Lord had to get my heart right to receive my husband again. I was more then ready physically(not neccessarily sex, just getting back in the swing of things) but mentally, it's still a process. Of course the children and him are happy, but feel like I'm just lagging along. I had to let God heal my heart because I felt like God let me down. I thought I was going to be cut free from all of this, I thought I had a second chance at life and love. Then the Lord showed me that He did give me a second chance at life and love!!! It was just with the same husband.

I have to admit, when I get off work, go home and walk in the door...I whisper to myself, 'man it feels good to be back home.' One time I said it out loud and he heard me....he smiled. Things aren't perfect..but then again, what isn't perfect. Things are better. My expectation are not high...they are realistic. No, he didn't buy me a ring, nor a nice bag, or give me money, or a card/poem with flowers saying how happy he is to have me back home, or take me out to get my hair, nails and whatever I get done, or a weekend getaway at the beach...nothing fancy, it's just back to, "Angela, did you cook?!"

God knows what's best for you. Remember, He will not withhold no good thing from you although it may seem like it at times. Just trust Him again and be still. Your answers will come, but don't despise the packaging of how it comes.