This year has been really a trying time in my life. Can't go all into details, but just know that your girl over here has been tried and went through every obstacle courses with self, marriage, life and spiritual walk. However I must say God is so good.
There was a point where I was angry, bitter, hurt, fearful and whatever else of God. Yes, I was mad at Him for sometime because of the things I went through. I didn't understand it. Wasn't clear. What did I do to deserve this hurt and pain?
During this course of my emotional roller coaster, God knew he couldn't talk to me Himself, so He had to send people my way. People would give me like a 'gold nugget' or a rose and I knew it was from God. You know, like a piece of hope, encouragement, testimony, or even something materialistic, or the simplest thing like gum! Has God ever done something like that for you? He has also used strangers and used movies to speak to me. He has even used bloggers as well to stir up that hope, that child like faith that was once there.
Certain bloggers had posted up some awesome entries that were confirmation of what God showed me long ago. A desire that was once aborted, burned and forsaken, now has sparked again, but this time it's going to burn bright.
Some of you all may not always understand why I say, or do the things I do. You haven't and probably won't ever go through what I went through in my marriage, but all I can say is don't judge. Why? Because I don't want it happening to you. Not even my worst enemy. So if you don't understand someone's behavior or attitude or insecurities, instead of saying silly things or announcing that wouldn't be you, why don't you pray for them and declare blessing over them. You have no clue of the intense hurt and pain I have been through. So bad that after the heart surgery the doctors diagnosed me with Lupus and other things. I know I got that from stressing over the marriage, yes, that's how bad it was. Lupus is where something very traumatic or highly extreme emotional stress happens where your system starts attacking instead of working together. But I know God will heal me from this. I have faith, great faith and I know it will be a testimony. I have been healed before, so this is no different.
So now what? God is going to take all that 'compose' and use it. He's going to put it (experience, hurt, pain, doubt, mock, etc....) into the spiritual recycle bin and use it for His glory. He's going to take my ashes and make it something beautiful. God can use anything or anyone. Are you willing?
I said all of that to say that through it all, God did not give up on me through my nasty pissy attitude towards Him. He stilled loved me and used family, friends, and bloggers to love on me from a distant. I wasn't ready to hear His voice again because I would have cursed Him out, but God kept sending people my way giving me spiritual roses via phone, email, Facebook, etc...
I broke down today during a phone call because I was given a word from the Lord. Too long and it's was for my ears anyway. I thought God lied to me, that was pretty much the bulk of it. I was let down. However I will share and say that love conquers all. You can only run from God but for so long. Needless to say, I'm back in the body of Christ. I'm back home, born again Christian, again. So Happy Birthday to Me!
Feels so good to be home in God's arms again. So cold out there, very cold world. I have no more fear, doubt, confusion, bitterness towards God, unforgiveness, etc....He healed and fixed all of that and gave me a new hope.
God wants me to believe again, the promises that He told me years ago. I will, shall do just that. I want ALL that God has for me. He promised me and you a bright future and so shall it be. AMEN.
Thank you and I love you all
Lady A
